10 things your Naturopath cannot cure at any cost.
Guest post from Stuart Morrison from Marketing Potential, and international man of action, and part time gunslinger.
They say laughter is the best cure, hopefully something below will raise a smile or two and reduce blood pressure and raise endorphin levels. Enjoy!
1) Creeping Stupidity.
This is the number one affliction sweeping the nation: the ironic thing is common sense ain’t that common. So we recommend putting everything sharp in a drawer or high cupboard (obviously being careful whilst using the steps) and wrap yourself in a tog 10.5 duvet and settle in on the sofa for some daytime TV. There may be no cure…
Common symptoms include sticking your nose in where it’s not needed, offering opinions to total strangers (esp. online and in forums) and becoming a politician or Prime Minister. We recommend that you receive a public flanning daily until symptoms subside: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QghwNqlCRE
3) Chronic Enthusiasm.
Diagnosis is easy: Sufferers may utter one of these statements
“THAT’S TOTALLY AMAZING”
“I NEED YOU TO GIVE 150%”
“THAT HAPPENED FOR THE BAZILLIONTH TIME!”
Many times the sufferer will accompany their statements with a high pitch or waved arms. Sometimes the sufferer cannot be cured as they may be American, but high doses of culture, the arts and good food can help to reduce most sufferers symptoms to the occasional high five.
4) Monday Glumness
Patients who may be infected with such an illness often traipse into work on a Monday with low hanging shoulders, knitted eyebrows and a face like a slapped bum. They may use phrases like “Roll on Friday” or “Can’t wait for the weekend”. This low mood often comes from a deep dissatisfaction with their lot in life however they refuse to do something about it. Realise this is not your fault and sufferers cannot be helped unless they change up their attitude. Resist the urge to give them a hug as their body odour may rub off on your clothing.
5) Trouser drop.
This mainly affects men from the ages of 15 to 25 and can be quite distressing for the on-lookers. Usual the suffer first appears to just be missing a belt or braces but in fact they have purposefully decided to display their grubby pant clad buttocks to the unsuspecting public. The cure is very straightforward, simply run up behind the afflicted party and give ’em a wedgie. This will discourage future displays of their underwear. WARNING: Users may have an urge to inflict bodily harm on the person administering the treatment. therefore please ensure you are suitably trained in a martial art to quell such violent displays. We will not be held responsible for any damage you suffer without taking suitable precautions.
The suffer cannot help but make a fool of themselves in public and forces their idiotic and offence behaviour upon anyone within 2ft of a media device. Symptoms include removal of clothing (despite size or appearance), loud exclamations of an outrageous nature and an overly inflated sense of self-worth and global importance. Best anyone can do is move away from said sufferer and hope that symptoms lessen with a growing maturity.
7) Auriga Enragiosum
This is mainly a male affliction, although some “highly strung” females can suffer from this. Symptoms may be sudden onset and immediate when another road user somehow upsets the delicate balance of their sensibilities. Where upon the patient flies into an immediate and uncontrollable violent rage. This may include screaming, shouting and primitive hand gesticulation akin to some of the apes. Users never admit to this behaviour however it can be regularly witnessed on the M25 between junctions 1 and 22.
8) Pushy Parent Syndrome
Can be easily spotted via the dead eyed stare and angular elbows sharpened from years of queue jumping and bridal corsage snatching. The afflicted can be male or female although it is usually diagnosed first in females it can be spotted in men and is usually accompanied by “Soccer dad” syndrome. Fortunately the offspring are usually annoying brats themselves so it’s usually a harmonic circle of karmic energy that onlookers can merely stare at in wonder.
9) Tanners Disease
Sufferers have the overwhelming urge to look like a recently creosoted garden gate. Colour may vary from “daubed” to “doused” and may be dappled in appearance with the patient having a “tide mark” around face, neck or other appendages. Like creosote some applications can be removed with a high pressure water jet, or sandpaper others just have to be left to rub off on their bed sheets. If left alone symptoms may eventually clear up on their own. Either that or the public humiliation may eventually cause the sufferer to remain indoors away from the general public.
10) Russell Brand Disease
Sufferers are usually roguishly good looking with a wild mop of untamed hair above a cheeky smile and boyish features. They use a mock cockney or “mockney” accent, has a propensity for verbosity and utter such exclamations as “Oi moosh!”, “Listen here geezer!” or the often heard “Look here my good man!”. If this is not your thing then it is best avoided, however many ladies are attracted to such behaviour.
Things your Naturopath can help you with are: Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue, Stress, Bad Diet, Halitosis, skin problems and all manner of dietary related issues. If you wish to promote improved health, vitality and wellbeing in your life as well as your diet then call Deborah!
Stuart Morrison is a moustachioed, business shaman, who can help you find what you need out of your business and improve your lot in life. From marketing to getting business leads, all done with a great sense of humour and a twinkle in the eye.
Contact him via his Appointment Brokers website: www.theAppointmentBrokers.Com – helping you find sales leads and book meetings and appointments with senior decision makers.